Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness
by SpookyChild
Summary: Ever wonder what the series would be like it if centered around Kurama and Hiei? You didn't? Well, here it is anyway...so...read or I'll kill you.
1. Observations and Planning

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild 

Authors Notes:

Ever wonder what it would be like if the Yu Yu Hakusho series centered around Kurama and Hiei and not Yusuke? You didn't? Well, you're going to see what it would be like. Actually…it wouldn't be like this at all. Maybe if the guy who created it was on cocaine or something. Here's the first chapter of "Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness." Go me!

Disclaimer: I don't own it. And if I did, I would probably sell it to someone else, because…I'd make it crap.

Chapter One: Observations and Planning

"So, Hiei, I wonder if you would like to grace us with the telling of your oh-so-fantastic plan on obtaining these artifacts." Said a sarcastic voice. Hiei snorted.

"Well, if you would give me some peace and quiet for five minutes maybe I could think of one, Kurama."

Kurama frowned. "Five minutes? FIVE MINUTES?! We've been sitting in this clearing for nine days! And, might I add, it hasn't stopped raining the whole time!" He crossed his arms and tossed his soaking wet hair behind his shoulder. Hiei snorted again.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch, that's all I get from you. 'Stop hitting that tree!', 'Leave the garbage man alone!', 'Don't do that to my toaster!'." Hiei shook the rain from his eyes. He suddenly looked around. "Hey, where's Gouki?"

Kurama shrugged absentmindedly. "How the hell should I know? He went out a few days ago to 'meet with his clients', although I distinctively saw him heading in the direction of Burger King, and he hasn't been back since." Kurama let out an exasperated groan. "Hiei, please! For the love of God, do something about this rain."

"Sorry, you're asking the wrong person." Hiei answered, taking off his white scarf, shaking it and putting it back on. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Who the hell should I ask then, O Mighty One?" Kurama asked sarcastically. Hiei blinked.

"Aquaman, of course." He stated, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Kurama shook his head.

"First off, I don't think he controls rain. And second, how the hell do you know about Aquaman?" Kurama put a hand over his eyes. "Hold on, I don't even want to know. Well, don't you have some sort of spell or something that you can put around us as a barrier?"

"A spell? Hardly." Hiei bent down and wiped some mud off of his shoes. "I'm not a magician, Kurama. Well, not yet, anyway." Kurama sighed in frustration.

"Well, is there anything you can do?" He asked. Hiei shrugged.

"I could, like you said, put up a barrier. But it's too suspicious. I mean, in the middle of the forest and it's not raining?" Hiei chuckled. "Come on, Kurama. Grow up."

"Whatever." Kurama strode away and plopped down onto the ground with a splash. 

"Hey guys, you won't believe what just happened!" Gouki exclaimed, lumbering into the clearing sporting terrible gashes on his body, along with bruises, broken limbs and a missing ear. Kurama cringed.

"What happened to you?" Asked the red head as Gouki sat down and began to inspect his injuries. He frowned and began to wrap up his bleeding arm.

"Well, I was walking with some of the clients I told you I was meeting." Gouki started. Kurama spied a burger wrapper in the other demon's pocket and raised an eyebrow.

"I see." He said, trying not to smirk.

"Anyhoo, when I turned the corner, there was some stupid bounty hunter guy saying that he had a warrant out for my arrest." Gouki shook his head and snickered. "I think his name was Spunky McKill or…something…but anyway, all of a sudden he pulls out this big fucking sword out of God-knows-where and just starts _hitting_ me with it!" 

"What did you do?" Kurama inquired, handing Gouki some more bandages from his pack. 

"What else?" Gouki smirked. "I KICKED HIS ASS!" He exclaimed loudly, brandishing his fists. Kurama jerked away to avoid being hit and frowned in annoyance.

"Indeed." 

"Welcome back, Gouki. Go secure the perimeter." Hiei stated roughly, walking over to them and kicking Gouki up from his position. Gouki frowned.

"Come on, Hiei! Can't you see I'm hurt?" The bigger demon motioned to his missing ear and other various wounds.

"Come on, Gouki! Can't you see I don't care?" Hiei pointed to the trees. "Now GO!" Gouki frowned but obeyed. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Nice leadership abilities, Hiei. You'll make a wonderful Hitler someday, until your Nazi soldiers tire of you making them construct tents out of toothpicks and kill you while you sleep." The red head stated, trying desperately to start a fire. Hiei shrugged.

"Yeah, probably." Hiei shook his head vigorously, sending a shower of rainwater to fall onto the already soaked Kurama. "So," Hiei continued, ignoring the glares coming to him from Kurama's direction, "How do you supposed we go about stealing these artifacts?" Kurama thought for a moment.

"Well, there's the obvious plan of you hiding in Koenma's office with a sword and killing him." Kurama stated.

"Like 'Clue'?" Hiei inquired. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Hiei. Like 'Clue'." He said sarcastically. Hiei smiled and rubbed his hands together.

"Groovy. Sounds like a plan."

"That wasn't the plan, Hiei." Kurama stated, wringing out his hair. Hiei blinked.

"It's not? But you said… aw, damnit." Hiei crossed his arms and turned to Kurama. "Hey, how are you going to explain your absences to your school?"

"Relax." Kurama closed his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. "I've got someone covering for me."

"…It's a broom, isn't it?"

"Right-o."

"Figures." Hiei stood up and looked around to see Gouki listening in on their conversation. Hiei sighed in annoyance. "I don't see a secure perimeter, Gouki." He called. Gouki frowned and trudged away. Hiei smirked and turned back to Kurama. "Enma's gone, right?"

"Correct." Kurama said with a frown, wiping mud off his jeans. "God, I'm never going to get these stains out." He grumbled. Hiei rubbed his hands together evilly.

"Excellent. And doesn't Koenma go golfing on Saturdays?"

"Sundays." Kurama corrected. Hiei waved his hand dismissively.

"Whatever." He snorted. "So, when he goes golfing on Sunday, we can sneak past the guards and get the artifacts. They won't know what hit them!" Hiei added enthusiastically, hitting his palm with his fist. Kurama shook his head and snickered.

"Yeah, good plan, Hiei. Really thought out." 

"I'd knew you'd see it my way." Hiei stated, plopping down next to Kurama. "We'll be just like Robin Hood. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor." Hiei thought for a second. "Only without the giving to the poor part." He added. Kurama rolled his eyes. Gouki walked over and sat next to Hiei.

"Hey, can I be Little John?" Gouki asked. 

"…No." Hiei said finally. "Kurama already called it."

"What?" Kurama asked incredulously. "I did not!" Hiei rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Fine, fine, Gouki, you can be Little John." He stated. 

"Woohoo!" Gouki exclaimed, thrusting his fists into the air and smacking Kurama in the face. Kurama frowned.

"Damnit! We aren't playing Robin Hood!" He screamed, holding a hand over his sore face. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Fine, we're not playing Robin Hood." Hiei stated. "But, now we need to get some supplies for the mission." Gouki's eyes lit up.

"Does this mean what I think it means…?" Gouki asked. Hiei grinned slyly.

"It sure does." Hiei jumped up, raising his fists into the air. "TO WAL-MART!"

-----------------

(A/N)

Well, there you go. Yep…that was…good? I don't know. 

Stay tuned for the second chapter, entitled "Supplies".

Yay.


	2. Supplies

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Well, here's another chapter, in which Kurama, Hiei, and Gouki do…stuff! Woohoo! You are all excited, aren't you? Well, don't be, because you'll be let down. Significantly. The only way you will like this story is if it gouged out your eyes for you. Okay, okay, so it's not that bad. But still…oh well. Read it.

Disclaimer: I don't own it. And if I did, I would probably sell it to someone else, because…I'd make it crap. (You may have noticed that I had this disclaimer on the last chapter. This is because of the simple fact that…I am lazy.)

Chapter Two: Supplies 

"Really, Hiei. You never cease to amaze me." Kurama stated, strolling behind the smaller demon as they walked past the different stores and restaurants in the city. "I mean, Wal-Mart?"

"That's what I said." Hiei replied, frowning at the many people passing by the soaked demons with umbrellas in their hands. "Now quit talking. I'm trying to get into a ninja-like Zen." Kurama blinked.

"…No you're not! You're just humming that damn 'Down Town' song!" He shouted. Hiei shrugged.

"Yeah, that's it. So, which way is Wal-Mart?" He inquired, stopping and putting his hands on his hips. Kurama thought for a moment.

"Umm, left I think. Wait, no, it's right." Kurama shrugged. "I have no clue." Hiei scowled.

"What the hell do I keep you around here for if you can't tell me where a damn Wal-Mart is?!" He yelled. Kurama shrugged again.

"I don't know, so you don't suffocate yourself with the little plastic bag your Happy Meal toy comes in?" He suggested. Hiei thought for a moment.

"Yeah, that's probably it." Hiei turned around and spotted a little boy standing by himself, staring up at the sky. "Hey, let's go ask him if he knows where Wal-Mart is." Hiei suggested. 

The two demons walked over to the small boy, stopping in front of him. "Hello, little…dirt-child. Please direct us to the nearest Wal-Mart." Hiei asked. The little boy blinked slightly.

"I don't know were Wal-Mart is." He stated. Hiei snorted and turned to Kurama.

"Figures." He growled angrily. "Let's go." As they turned to walk away, the little boy spoke up.

"Why does it rain?" He asked. Kurama smiled and bent down to be level with the little boy.

"It's because God is crying." Kurama answered gently. The little boy looked confused.

"Why is God crying?" He asked. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, probably because of something you did." Hiei grabbed Kurama's arm and started to pull him away. "Let's _go_." Kurama frowned.

"That wasn't very nice, Hiei!" The red head exclaimed. "That little boy is probably scarred for life." Hiei snorted.

"Serves him right. Damn kid and his lack of directional skills…" Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Hey, where the hell's Gouki?" He asked suddenly. Hiei looked around before shrugging.

"Who the hell knows?" He said indifferently. Kurama rolled his eyes at the little demon and placed a hand on his hip.

"Well we better find him-," Kurama was cut off when a pair of hands covered his eyes. 

"Guess who?" Chirped a voice from behind Kurama, which sounded suspiciously like Gouki. 

"Damnit, Gouki! Quit screwing around and secure the perimeter!" Hiei ordered.

"And get your damn hands off of my eyes!" Kurama shouted, smacking Gouki away. Gouki frowned and crossed his arms.

"God, I just came to tell you guys that I found Wal-Mart." He grumbled angrily. Hiei's eyes lit up.

"Man, Gouki, you are the best soul-eating demon EVER! Lead the way." Gouki smiled.

"Well, it seems like all my waiting has been worth it, for now I finally have your respect-,"

"SHUT YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH AND TAKE US TO FREAKIN' WAL-MART!"

***

"So, Hiei, what are we shopping for?" Kurama asked in amusement. Hiei stared at him blankly before laughing.

"Yeah… 'shopping'…" Hiei shook his head. "It sounds like we're actually going to pay for this stuff, Kurama." Kurama sighed in annoyance.

"Fine, Hiei, what are we 'borrowing' from Wal-Mart?" He asked. Hiei gave him another blank look.

"Kurama, I don't think you understand, we're going to steal this stuff. STEAL." He ended loudly.

"Stop saying that!" Kurama hissed, grabbing Hiei's arm and dragging him away. "Fine, just tell me what we're getting."

"Walkie-Talkies." Hiei answered automatically. Kurama raised his eyebrow.

"Walkie-_Talkies_?" 

"Yeah."

"I'm not even going to ask." Kurama sighed, putting a hand over his eyes.

"You do that." Hiei turned and walked down an aisle, Kurama and Gouki following close behind.

"So, how do you suppose we break into the Reikai Palace?" Kurama questioned. 

"Window." Hiei answered, picking up a few things to study off of the shelf. Kurama frowned.

"But what if we get caught?"

"Then the proverbial shit will hit the proverbial fan. Proverbially speaking, of course."

"Okay, okay, I get it." Kurama frowned again. "And quit saying 'proverbial'."

"You got it, Slick." Hiei picked up the Walkie-Talkie's and turned to Kurama. "Here, put these in your pants."

"Whaa-?" Kurama was cut off when Hiei shoved said Walkie-Talkies into said pants.

"Hey, those guy's are stealing stuff!" Some unknown person shouted, pointing to the three demons. Immediately, Gouki screamed like a little girl and ran out the door, flailing his arms wildly. A crowd of people began to surround the two remaining demons. Hiei's eyes widened.

"What do we do now, Mr. 'Wonderful-Plan' Hiei?" Kurama asked sarcastically, eyeing the crowding people warily. Hiei gripped the red head's shirt.

"Run like the wind, Kurama! Get yourself out of here!" Kurama raised his eyebrow. "…And take me with you." Hiei added. 

"Oh, for the love of…" Kurama rolled his eyes and, grabbing onto the back of Hiei's scarf, dashed out of the store.

"Suckers!" Hiei called, sticking his tongue out at the mob of people.

*** 

"Hey, hey Kurama…Kurama…hey, can you hear me? Huh? Hey, Kurama, can you hear me? Can you-,"

"HIEI! For the love of God, yes!" Kurama shouted angrily at the smaller demon, who was currently circling him with the Walkie-Talkie to his mouth. Hiei dropped down next to him.

"So, Kurama, what do you want your code-name to be?" Hiei asked the red head. Kurama shook his head.

"I don't want a code-name, Hiei."

"Come on, Kurama. How about…Foxy-Momma?" Kurama raised his eyebrow.

"Erm…"

"Or how about…Youko Kurama!" Hiei exclaimed. Kurama rolled his eyes. 

"No, Hiei. I'm actually having second thoughts on this raid." Kurama stated. Hiei patted the red head on the back.

"Just remember, Kurama; you have nothing to fear but fear itself." Hiei thought for a moment. "And, you know, cobras. Because man, those things will _bite_ you." Kurama stared at the smaller demon incredulously.

"…Hiei, you're a moron."

-----------------

(A/N)

The chapter is over! AND THE TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICED FAR INTO THE NIGHT! Well, okay, there was only a little rejoicing…this authors note was pointless, but then again, isn't this story?

Stay tuned for the third chapter, entitled "The Heist".

Yay.


	3. The Heist

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Here's the third chapter…it's…good…? Yes…it is very good… Actually…no. It's not. Seriously. Okay. Read it if you want.

Disclaimer: Does it hurt when rabid hyenas chew on your face? Yeah, me too.

Chapter Three: The Heist 

"Here, put these on." Hiei ordered, handing some old masks to Kurama and Gouki. Kurama frowned.

"Why are we wearing ninja disguises?" He inquired, turning the mask over in his hands. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"God, Kurama, I thought you were smart." He snorted as he pulled on a different black coat. Kurama frowned.

"I _am_ smart. I just can't speak fluent Moron-ese." The red head stated sarcastically. Hiei blinked up at Kurama from his position on the ground, pulling on black ninja pants.

"…You mean German?"

"NO! Just…never mind." Kurama sighed, relenting as he began to don his 'ninja gear'. "Can you tell me why we have to wear disguises _period_?"

"So, if they see us, they won't know who we are." Hiei answered. Kurama wrinkled his nose.

"But why do we _care_? If they throw us in jail, we can break out in no time." Kurama frowned. "Unless they pair us up to fight crime with some sassy Spirit Detective. God forbid…" He mumbled under his breath. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Because, Kurama, we're _cowards_. You show me one demon who isn't a coward."

"I'm not a coward." Kurama stated naturally. Hiei smirked slyly.

"Oh yeah?" The smaller demon turned away for a moment to put on an old 'Scream' mask before turning back to Kurama and screaming, "BOO!" Kurama blinked.

"Fine, fine, you're not a coward." Hiei groaned, removing his mask and rolling his eyes for the third time. He tossed Kurama's Walkie-Talkie to him.

"Hey, don't I get one?" Gouki asked. Hiei shook his head.

"No, you're hanging in the back with me." Hiei grinned evilly. "Kurama's our spy." He stated. Kurama's mouth dropped open.

"Oh sure, feed _me_ to the wolves!" The red head hissed. Hiei chuckled.

"Silly Kurama, there are no wolves involved." He shook his head, still snickering to himself. "What it must be like living in your fantasy world. Wolves running loose, just biting and devouring everything in their way." Kurama moaned and covered his eyes with his hand, trying to will away the growing headache.

_Why me?! _He thought, shaking his head. 

"Okay, guys," Hiei said, standing up. "Get your dancing shoes and let's boogie."

"But I thought we were stealing the artifacts." Gouki questioned, looking confused. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"It was a joke, Gouki."

"So…we're not going dancing?" Gouki asked sadly. 

"No."

Gouki pouted. "Aww, man."

*** 

"Kurama, Kurama, can you hear me? Over." Hiei spoke into the Walkie-Talkie. Gouki frowned.

"What's taking him so long? Does he see something?" The larger demon asked. Hiei pulled a pair of binoculars out from God-knows-where and looked in the direction of where Kurama was.

"No. I think he's being grossed out by spider webs." Hiei stated.

" '_Ewww, I touched one! Over_.' " Came the crackle of Kurama's voice over the Walkie-Talkie. Hiei growled.

"Pull yourself together!" He shouted into the mouthpiece, gripping the radio angrily. "Now, what do you see? Any guards?"

" '_Um…no_?' " 

"…Would ya look?!" Hiei asked, sounding irritated.

" '_Fine, fine…jeez…_' " Kurama went silent for a moment. " '_No, there aren't any guards_. _Over_.' "

"Excellent." Hiei murmured, grinning evilly. "Now my plan will go uninterrupted."

"…Do you even _have_ a plan?" Gouki asked, eyeing the smaller demon. 

"Um…more or less…" Hiei looked around nervously before pointing behind Gouki. "Hey, is that Hitler?" He asked, turning and sprinting off in the direction of Kurama when Gouki looked behind him.

"I don't see…" Gouki turned back around and scowled. "Damnit! I fall for that every time!" Huffily, he turned and jogged over to where the two other demons were, sitting on a high wall that surrounded the Palace and surveying the grounds. Gouki scrambled up and sat next to them.

"Okay, so what should our next move be?" Hiei asked. 

"How should I know?! This was your idea!" Kurama shouted angrily. Hiei moaned.

"But you're our _strategist_…" The smaller demon whined.

"Like hell I am!" Kurama exclaimed angrily. "All you have me do is order pizza!"

"And that way we all get what we want! What's the problem?" Hiei asked. Kurama put his head in his hands.

"Let's just get into the Palace."

*** 

"Wow, can you believe what happened in there?!" Hiei exclaimed happily, as he, Kurama and Gouki walked back into their hideout in the middle of the woods carrying the stolen artifacts. 

"Yeah! How crazy was that?!" Gouki roared with laughter.

"Especially when they released the giant spiders on us!"

"And when we almost fell into the bottomless pit!"

"And when the army of clowns tried to kill us with their unicycles!" 

"And when the Wicked Witch sent out her flying monkeys!"

"…That was 'The Wizard of Oz', Gouki."

"Oh yeah."

Kurama rolled his eyes at the two demons and pulled the Mirror of Darkness out from his pocket. He had to save his mother. He just had to. She was such a wonderful person, so nice, so loving, so…

"Don't go all nostalgic on us, Kurama." Hiei order, reaching over and smacking Kurama in the head. Kurama blinked and frowned.

"I was just trying to create a dramatic atmosphere." He stated. 

"Yeah, well, how about you try and create us some dinner?" Hiei suggested, tossing a cell-phone to Kurama. Kurama sighed in frustration before dialing a number. 

"Hello, Pizza Hut?"

*** 

Yusuke sat in the office, listening half-heartedly while Koenma explained his next mission. 

"…I need you to get back these three items; The Conjuring Blade, The Mirror of Darkness, and The Rapacious Orb." Koenma stated. "They were stolen by three demons yesterday. These demons are elusive and are hiding in the Human World. They will be hard to find, and…" 

_If I had a dollar for every time someone picked a fight with me, then man, I'd have a lot of money. _Yusuke thought to himself, leaning back into the chair and watching Koenma's lips move. 

"…You got that, Yusuke?"

"Sure thing, Pacifier Junky." Yusuke said, standing up and stretching. Koenma frowned.

"Yusuke, for the last time, I am _not_ _a_ _child_."

"Shhh. Children should be seen and not heard." After making that horribly cheesy joke, Yusuke turned and walked out of the office.

_So, another mission, eh? _Yusuke thought to himself, making his way down the corridor. _Man, my life is just like 'Cops'._

-----------------

(A/N)         

This chapter is almost over. Just to let you know…

It's over.

Stay tuned for chapter four, entitled "The Arrest". 

Yay.


	4. The Warrant

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

And then Yoshihiro Togashi said to me, "The fourth chapter of 'Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness' shall not be written, for it is short and ridiculous and otherwise a waste of time." To which I replied, "Shut up." 

Disclaimer: So I'm standing at the bus stop, minding my own business, when some hobo walks up to me and says, "You know you don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, right?" And do you know what I did? I KICKED HIS MOTHER-FUCKING HEAD IN! But then I began to think…where did my ham sandwich go?

Chapter Four: The Warrant 

"My God, do you even _go_ to school anymore?" Hiei asked, watching as Kurama attempted to build a fire in the pouring rain. Kurama snorted.

"I think it's quite _obvious_ that I _don't_." The red head growled, striking the two rocks together again. "God, why is it always raining in this clearing?!"

"I have no idea." Hiei said, picking up The Conjuring Blade and slicing down a row of trees, turning them into demons. Hiei smirked. "Look at them all, Kurama!" He called happily. Kurama looked up and frowned.

"They're ugly." Kurama stated. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Well, sorry Kurama, but they can't all look like you." He said, irritated. Hiei stopped and thought for a moment. "Or can they?" He murmured. A vision came to Hiei of an entire army of Kuramas dancing naked around him while he sat on a throne. One of the dancing Kuramas came up to him and sat on his lap, smiling suggestively at him. Hiei grinned. '_Why hello_,' Hiei said to him. The Kurama giggled. Suddenly, the army of Kuramas turned, glared at Hiei and began to attack him in a jealous rage.

"Ack! No, that's my eye!" Hiei screamed, flailing his arms wildly. He stopped when he noticed the real Kurama staring at him with his eyebrow raised. Hiei coughed. "Erm…sorry."

"Riiiiigggghhhhhhttt…" Kurama said slowly, turning back to the fire. He struck the two rocks together again. "Damnit Hiei, put the freaking barrier up!" He said angrily, throwing the rocks down. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Fine, fine, jeez." Hiei waved his hand and the barrier covered them, successfully blocking off the rain. Kurama grinned.

"Finally." He struck the two rocks together again, and then realized that he had matches in his backpack. Kurama frowned. "Damnit."

*** 

"So then the guy says to me, he says, 'As if!' and I'm all, 'DON'T GO THERE, JERK-FACE!'" Yusuke exclaimed, raising his fist in exaggeration. He chuckled. "I thought he was crazy, but then again, I had some growing up to do." Botan rolled her eyes and continued walking throughout the forest.

"So, do you have any idea where the demons are hiding?" She asked, desperate to get him to make some sense. Yusuke shrugged.

"I don't know. Probably in that clearing." Yusuke pointed down a row of trees. Botan furrowed her eyebrows.

"How do you figure?" She asked, confused.

"Well, it's not raining over there."

"Hmm. That's oddly suspicious."

"You bet your ass it is." Yusuke said. "Now, you stay here, and I'll go bust a cap all up in their asses." Botan narrowed her eyes.

"Do you even know what that _means_?" The blue-haired girl asked, her voice annoyed. 

"Umm…yes?"

"Never mind. Just go arrest the demons." Yusuke shrugged and walked over into the clearing.

*** 

Kurama turned and looked when the teenaged boy walked into the clearing. The red head rolled his eyes.

_Finally. At least the Spirit Detective has to be somewhat sane_, he thought.

"Hey! Bad boys! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when I come for you?"

"That's it. I'm leaving." Kurama stated exasperatedly, turning on his heel and walking out of the clearing. Hiei furrowed his eyebrows.

"What? Where are you going?! Wait for me!" Hiei jumped up and hurried after him. Yusuke frowned.

"_Hey_!" The Spirit Detective called after the demon. Hiei stopped and turned back to him. Yusuke pointed to the ground. "You forgot your sword."

"Thanks." Hiei grabbed The Conjuring Blade and rushed out of the clearing after Kurama.

"And they're just…leaving me here." Gouki sighed. Yusuke smirked and extended his arm, pointing his index finger at Gouki.

"Come on, Demon." He moved into a battle stance. "_Let's dance_."

"Oh, my dear Lord." Botan moaned from behind a nearby tree. "He's such a loser."

*** 

"Dude, did we just leave Gouki behind with the Spirit Detective?" Kurama asked suddenly. The two demons were sitting at Kurama's dining room table. Hiei shrugged.

"Who cares? Hey! How did you get these little hot dogs in the macaroni?" Hiei excitedly stirred the contents of his bowl with his spoon. Kurama blinked.

"I just cut some up and put them with the macaroni before I microwaved it." He stated. Hiei shook his head and chuckled.

"Man, Kurama, you're a genius. A regular Abraham Lincoln."

"…Do you even know who that is?"

"Didn't he make pennies for a living?"

"Never mind." Kurama took a drink from his soda can and turned to Hiei. "So, what made you decide to steal these artifacts?" He inquired. Hiei sighed dreamily.

"Well, it all started…" Hiei trailed off into a flashback, staring off into space. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Aw, shit."

*** 

"…And that's the reason I started going back to church. You know, for the crackers." Hiei said, sitting in a bar. The year was around 1977, and he was wearing a disco outfit and sporting an Afro. The bartender shook his head and moved on to take more drink orders. Hiei snickered and finished off his drink when he heard a voice.

"Psst…hey."

Hiei blinked and looked around, expecting to see the face of Jesus in a tortilla or something. The voice sounded again.

"I'm right next to you." Hiei turned around to see a short purple demon standing on the bar. Hiei blinked.

"Who…?" He started, his voice failing. "Why are you here?"

"Why are any of us here?" The purple demon replied. Hiei's eyebrows furrowed.

"What do you want?"

"You need," the purple demon began, "to steal the Sacred Artifacts from the Reikai palace." Hiei frowned.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"But why would I want to do that?" Hiei asked. "I'd get in serious trouble."

"Because if you don't, then _nobody else will_." The purple demon stated, staring pointedly at Hiei. Hiei thought for a moment.

"…Oh my God!" He exclaimed. "You're RIGHT! This is my destiny!" The purple demon smiled and disappeared into a puff of smoke.

*** 

"…And that's the whole story." Hiei finished. He raised his eyebrow. "Are you okay?" He asked Kurama. 

"Yes, perfect." Kurama said sarcastically. "You see, I just vomited a little, but it went back down." 

"Gee, maybe you should take some Pepto-Bismol or something." Hiei stated. Kurama glared at him.

"…I hate you."

-----------------

(A/N)

Yeah, yeah, I know. I said this chapter was supposed to be entitled "The Arrest", but that's actually going to be the next chapter. It was a mistake, but we can work past that, right? 

…Right?

…Jeez, I'm sorry, you jerks.

Stay tuned for chapter five, entitled "The Arrest".

Yay.


	5. Meetings With Enemies

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

So I'm thinking to myself one morning, "Why should I write stories anymore? I mean, it takes a lot of thinking on my part, it's kinda hard to do, and they're not all that good." But then I remembered that I have fans. 

…Ha ha, sorry. I needed a good laugh.

Disclaimer: Don't be stupid. Yu Yu Hakusho belongs to crazy mud-squirrels living in a dumpster behind a taco joint. You know that.

Chapter Five: Meetings With Enemies.

"-So then I says to him, I says, 'Purple? I'LL KILL YOU, SUCKA'!" Hiei made a violent gesture in midair. "And that's why I'm not allowed in Nebraska anymore." He finished. Kurama blinked.

"…Hiei, that was the _worst_ Christmas story you've ever told me." Kurama stated. The redhead sighed and let his eyes travel over the living room. "Man, the house is so blank and lonely when my mother isn't here." He said dully. 

"Aw, don't worry, Kurama." Hiei began, giving Kurama a reassuring pat on the back. "Because remember, when you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go downtown." Kurama raised his eyebrow.

"Did you get that from a song?"

"No."

Kurama sighed in exasperation and stood up, grabbing his coat. "Well, maybe I'll take that advice. I'm going for a walk."

"Take your time!" Hiei called to Kurama as the red head walked out of the door. Hiei sat there for a moment. "Oh, look." He said dully. "Refrigerator magnets."

*** 

"You know, I never _asked_ to be a Spirit Detective." Yusuke complained loudly to Botan. They were walking up the street, Yusuke leaning on a crutch with cuts and bruises all over him, Botan next to him, looking annoyed. 

"Well, I'm sorry that you got beat up, Yusuke, but this is your _job_."

"LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M A TEENAGER, I HAVE PROBLEMS!" Yusuke screamed, reverting into teen-angst mode.

"Yusuke, _please_, lower you're voice-,"

"GET OFF MY BACK! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"

Botan frowned. "Yusuke, I'll have you know that- is that your beeper?" She asked suddenly when a beeping noise interrupted her. Yusuke thought for a moment before burying his hands into his pocket.

"No, it's this groovy thing that Koenma gave me!" Yusuke exclaimed, fishing the Demon Locator from the dark recesses of his pants. Botan eyes widened.

"Yusuke, that means that there's a demon close by!" She said fearfully. Suddenly, Yusuke grabbed her roughly.

"Is that it?!" He asked, pointing crazily.

"…Yusuke, that's a garbage can."

"But look at its teeth!"

"Yusuke, that is not a demonic garbage can!" Botan shouted before catching sight of the actual demon. "Look, Yusuke!" She hurriedly pointed in the direction. "That's him." 

Yusuke paled. "Oh my God." He whispered. "Look at his eyes, Botan."

"I know." Botan shuddered. "They're so blank, so empty. There's nothing there, just…evil."

"Oh, crap." They heard the redheaded demon say suddenly, fiddling with his sweater. "I can't believe I bought wool. This is gonna shrink like it ain't nobody's business."

"Hold me." Yusuke whispered fearfully to Botan, and they proceeded to do so.

*** 

"-Insensitive? INSENSITIVE?! I'll insensitive my foot up in your- GO TO HELL YOURSELF!" Hiei slammed the phone down on its handle. He sighed loudly and plopped down on the couch. "Man, Kurama's grandmother is such a WHORE." He exclaimed. He picked up the remote and began flipping through the channels. "Let's see what's on."

The Skipper, The Professor, and Gilligan are seen sitting on the beach with a coconut boat next to them.

"-So you see," said the Professor, "if we just leave Mary-Anne, we can all go home."

"Good plan!" The Skipper remarked. "The best plan we've had all season! Hey little buddy, you want to hand us those sails?"

"Sure thing! Whoa, it's kind of slippery over here!" Gillian said before falling over comically, causing the coconut boat to drop into the ocean and drift away. The Skipper groaned dramatically.

"Ooh, you clumsy idiot! That was our ticket out of here!" He scolded.

"OH MY GOD! IT HUUUUUURTS!" Gilligan screamed in agony, rolling over to reveal a large piece of wood sticking out of his eye, blood gushing down his face. "THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!"

"Oh, Gilligan!" The Skipper and Professor said in union as cheesy music began to play.

Hiei changed the channel. "God, television sucks."

*** 

"Oh man, here it comes. Act natural." Yusuke whispered urgently to Botan as the redheaded demon spotted the two and began to approach them. "SO BOTAN," Yusuke said loudly, "HOW'S THAT POTTERY CLASS GOING?"

"Yusuke, shut up."

The demon stopped in front of Yusuke and eyed him. Yusuke blinked. "Um…what's up?"

"Meet me on the roof of the hospital. Come," he glanced at Botan, "_alone_." With that, the demon passed by them and continued on his way. 

"Wow," Botan commented, "that was so overly dramatic that it was stupid." Yusuke raised an eyebrow.

"Did that guy just ask me out?"

*** 

"Hey," Kurama said suddenly, stopping in his tracts. "Did I just ask that guy out?"

-----------------

(A/N)

Yeah…the chapter after the next will probably be called 'The Arrest'. Sorry for the short chapter. Actually…I'm really not. It was easier for me, so…ha ha.

Stay tuned for chapter six, entitled "Mirrors".

Yay.


	6. Mirrors

Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Update, bitches. Okay, as you all know, I have no Internet at my house. So, you all may have some questions that you're wondering.

"Hey, Spooky, how are you going to update?"

"How are you updating now?"

"Why are you in my house?"

The answers to all these questions are as followed.

1.) I have Internet at my grandmother's house.

2.) Through the wonderful power of saving these on a c.d.

3.) Because I'm stalking you, my love.

So… that's it.

Disclaimer: Hehe… in my subtitled version of Yu Yu Hakusho, Kurama says, "Give it to me, Yusuke," when he's fighting Touya.

Chapter Six: Mirrors.

_7:19 P.M._

Meeting with Evil Demon Nakayama General Hospital 

Yusuke is seen sitting in the driver's side of a car, slowly navigating it down the street, the unmistakable shaky 'Cops' camera on him.

"Yeah," He began, his voice loud and drawling, "we get a lot of bad stuff going on out here. Drug addicts, gang violence, evil demons trying to take over the world, Godzilla…" Yusuke rambled on, turning down a deserted street. "But I keep it safe. It's a tough gig, but hey, it's a living."

"Yusuke," Botan interrupted, sounding irritated, "do I _really_ have to hold this camera? My wrists are hurting."

"Just keep it pointed straight at me, Doll-Face. I'm betting they make a whole new season dedicated to us." Yusuke stated, turning down a different road. Botan frowned.

"Yusuke, do you even have a driver's license?"

"A what?"

"-Forget your worries, all the rush and the hurry- DAMNIT!" Kurama cried angrily, clenching his fists together. "Stupid Hiei! I'll never get that song out of my head now…" He sighed and stepped up onto the roof of the hospital. "Now I have to wait for the Spirit Detective. God, where is he-?"

"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when we come for you? Da nuh nuh nuh nuh…" Yusuke rambled on, not knowing the rest of the lyrics to the song. He walked up behind Kurama and slapped him on the back. "What's cooking, good looking?"

"Nada lada, enchilada. I mean… Shut up, Spirit Detective." Kurama hissed, pulling the Mirror of Darkness from his coat pocket. "Now, here's the thing; my mother is dying, and I'm going to use this to make her better, yaddi yadda…" He waved his hand dismissively and began to tinker with the artifact in his hands. Yusuke raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you telling me this?" He asked. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"It's essential to the progress of the show." The redhead smiled and winked at the audience. Yusuke frowned.

"Well, if that's not breaking the fourth wall, then I don't know what is…" The Spirit Detective shook his head and peered over Kurama's shoulder. "How does this thing work?"

"I have no idea."

"…Maybe we should poke it?" Yusuke suggested. Kurama glared at the Unhelpful Commenter before raising his hands in defeat. The two teenagers then began to poke the Mirror of Darkness.

"_What_?" Came the irritated voice of the Mirror of Darkness.

"Eh, hey. It's me, Kurama."

"So?"

Kurama took a nervous glance at Yusuke and cleared his throat. "Um… I was just wondering… could you make my mom not dying?"

"Are you willing to give up your life?" The Mirror of Darkness began in a bored tone. Kurama sighed, exasperated. He thought this over for a minute.

"…I _guess_." He finally said, sounding annoyed.

"Okie dokie then. Now, prepare for death, please. Prepárate con muerte, por favor."

The Mirror of Darkness began to glow brightly, huge rays of light exploding out of the middle as the Mirror drained Kurama of his life force. Yusuke, easily enthralled by the 'shiny pretty thing', stuck his hand over the Mirror, also being drained of his life force, and in turn accidentally saving the redheaded demon. As Kurama's vision slowly began to fade, he caught a glimpse of himself in the highly reflective part of the… reflective surface… of the Mirror. Which was very reflective.

"Is that what my hair always looks like?" He murmured, before he was greeted by blackness.

"-So I was all, 'Whoa, Gary, whoa!'" Hiei exclaimed, holding the phone with one hand and gesturing wildly with his other. The person on the other line chuckled.

"Hilarious." They said.

"And so he's all, 'I'm not gonna…'" Hiei suddenly gasped dramatically. _Oh my god, my Kurama sense is tingling! _"Hey, can I call you back?" He spoke into the phone.

"Take your time." Said the operator. Hiei put the phone on its handle and stood by the window staring outside with worried eyes.

"Should I go… to _him_?" Hiei sighed, feeling his heart burning with pain. "I must. There's no other choice than to go- oh my god, 'Three's Company' is on…" Thanks to his short attention span, Hiei quickly forgot about Kurama's life-or-death situation and hurriedly jumped onto the couch, flipping through the channels in time to watch the 'Three's Company' theme song. He laughed hysterically. "Oh, that Suzanne Summers gets me every time!"

"No… leave John Stamos outta this…" Yusuke murmured in his sleep. He squirmed a few more times before slowly coming to his senses, feeling groggy and a little shaken. He yawned and stretched before looking around him. "Hmm, where'd Kurama go?" He stood up, walking down the stairs into the hospital, where he found Kurama standing outside his mother's room, looking all happy and such.

"She's okay, Spirit Detective." Kurama smiled at Yusuke good-naturedly. "Thank you for helping me." Yusuke chuckled and draped an arm over Kurama's shoulders.

"I just didn't think your mother would want to live when her son didn't. I went through that before. I thought that no one would miss me when I died, but I saw my mother and my friends, and they were all upset. Your mother would have never been happy again. I just did what I thought was right."

"…Did you just grab my ass?"

-----------------

(A/N)

…Sorry about the god-awful chapter. Jeez, what the hell was I thinking? I mean, 'Nada lada, enchilada"? I'm embarrassed to even be associated with this. Oh well.

Stay tuned for chapter seven, entitled "The Arrest".

Yay.


	7. The Scheme of Things

**Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness**

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Hello, it's me, SpookyChild! AKA, the Iceberg Lettuce of the fanfiction world, and I'm here to welcome you to another gut-busting chapter of… 'Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness'!

**Random Kid**: Yay!

And you know what that means, kiddos?

**Random Kid**: _What_?!

It means that you're dumb, that's what!

**Random Kid**: Awww…

Hehe, GOD I'm funny!

Disclaimer: One day, I'll own Yu Yu Hakusho. Yeah, that'll be just around the time that Keanu Reeves actually makes a _good_ movie.

**Chapter Seven: The Scheme of Things.**

In the dark, deep recesses of the cave stood a mysterious, shadowy figure, cloaked in…mystery… and shadows. The figure moved about with an air of importance, a great urgency in his step. He pulled a black wrap around his shoulders and attached a large, glistening sword to his belt. He checked the small pocket watch with him and cursed in some unknown language.

The time was right, and the mysterious figure was ready for action.

But enough about him, let's see what Hiei's doing.

"Cheese and rice! Do I have to do everything around here?!" Hiei whined, hurriedly tying his shoes. After Gouki's defeat and Kurama's betrayal, it was now obvious that Hiei, for once, had to do something. Hiei groaned as he thought about the upcoming battle with the Spirit Detective. "This sucks." He grabbed The Conjuring Blade and ran out into the living room, making for the front door.

"Where're you going?" Kurama asked, blinking up at Hiei from his magazine. The redhead glanced at his watch and frowned. "I mean, I know you hate 'Judging Amy', but you don't have to get pissy about it and run out."

--Flashback--

Hiei is seen sitting on Kurama's couch, watching 'Judging Amy' on TNT. He frowned and checked the digital clock on Kurama's wall. 5:02, and still, no 'Angel'. Hiei tapped his foot impatiently.

"Come on! Wrap it up, Amy!" Hiei shouted, throwing the remote at the television.

End flashback

"This isn't about that." Hiei hissed angrily at Kurama. "I have to go fight the Spirit Detective because _someone_ had to help his mother! Why do you want to stay in this world, anyway?" He asked. Kurama shrugged.

"I dunno. I'm thinking I might want to become an astronaut."

"More like astro-NOT!" Hiei cried angrily, stomping out, slamming Kurama's front door after him.

---

Kurama put down his magazine and reached for the remote, flipping on the television. "If Hiei's going to be fighting that Spirit Detective all night," Kurama began, "I might as well entertain myself." He stopped on the WB channel.

"- Here's a preview of next week's episode of 'Charmed', 'Sliced, Diced, and Enticed'." Kurama immediately winced at the terribly named episode.

The scene changes to clips of the show as the clichéd 'Charmed' theme song plays in the background. Piper and co. are seen sitting in the attic, looking worried.

"Paige was turned into a carrot and I couldn't do anything to save her, just like I couldn't save Pru." Piper cried, overly dramatic. "I'm supposed to be in charge of this family, and I couldn't stop it."

"Don't worry, sweetie." Leo cooed. "I'll orb around and talk to the elders and all that junk and try to find a way to save her."

"I'd help, too," Phoebe interjected as Leo disappeared, "But I'm too busy whining over Cole. I mean, he was my one true love, I can't live without him, and… is he dead yet?"

"…I hope I don't get eaten by a rabbit." Said Paige, wiggling her carrot-like fingers.

End scene. The narrators voice comes back.

"An all new 'Charmed', Sunday, on the WB. Thanks for watching!"

"Man, that sucked." Hiei exclaimed, shoving popcorn into his mouth. Kurama blinked at him.

"… Didn't you leave, like, a half an hour ago to fight Yusuke?"

"You mean the hottie that smells like rope?"

"Yeah."

"…Damn it!" Hiei jumped off the couch and ran out the door, slamming it behind him. Kurama shrugged and turned back to the television.

"- And for all you upset 'Angel' fans, never fear! Since we canceled the one good show we had, we now have time to bring you new shows and episodes that are all exactly alike! 'Summerland'! 'One Tree Hill'! 'Gilmore Girls'! 'What I Like About You'! 'Reba'! 'Seventh Heaven'! 'Smallville'…!"

Kurama winced again.

---

"Damn crap…so stupid…have to fight the Spirit Detective…stupid double-crossing sexy red-headed slut…stupid hot Spirit Detective with his hotness…stupid Gouki with his…uh…nose…" Hiei kicked a pebble out of his path and continued his grumbling. "Stupid Koenma for even _having_ the Artifacts…stupid guards and their lack-of being there…stupid James Marsters and his goddamned fake accent…stupid Hot Topic for never having their Harry Potter shirts on sale…stupid 'Charmed' for NEVER HAVING A GOOD FREAKING EPISODE! I MEAN, COME ON- hey, isn't that Keiko?" Hiei stopped the author's attempt at writing anymore of her own thoughts and therefore breaking the fourth wall even more like it isn't nobodies business as he approached the High School.

"-Well, I was at the hairdresser today, and do you _know_ who walked in?" Keiko paused and grinned at her friends, who were listening with baited breath. "It was CARMEN!" She finally exclaimed, and Mina and Saki drew in their breath. "I know! And she was getting her hair dyed! She always said that her hair was natural! I KNEW she was lying! So I went up to her and said, 'You lying BIT-!'"

"Oh, don't GO there!" Saki giggled hysterically. Just then, Hiei jumped out of the bushes.

"LOOK OVER THERE!" He screamed, pointing in a random direction before attacking Keiko. However, his sneaky plan was soon disrupted when Keiko nailed him in the head with her bag. Saki and Mina looked confused.

"Um, we don't see…"

"ACK!" Hiei yelped, wriggling as Keiko hit him over and over, "RELEASE ME, WENCH!"

"Eww, what is it?" Mina asked, poking Hiei idly with a stick.

"NO! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Hiei screamed instinctively, squirming in ticklish distress. Saki covered her mouth.

"Aww, it's CUTE! Aren't you, sweetie?"

"AHHH!!!" Hiei began to flail frantically. In doing so, he succeeded in knocking Keiko out, causing the unconscious girl to fall on top of him. He paused as Saki and Mina stared at him before jumping up. "MWAHAHAHA!" He laughed, grabbing Keiko and running down the street. "VICTORY FOR HIEI!" Keiko's friends blinked.

"…So, you wanna go get some ice-cream?"

"Nah, I'm kinda tired."

-----------------

(A/N)

Yes, yes, I know this one wasn't entitled 'The Arrest' either… God, I suck so much. But, anyway… what will happen? Will Yusuke and Hiei fight to the death? Will Kurama get bored of watching T.V. and go to help in the fight? Was this really a victory for Hiei? Is Saki really tired, or is she just sick of Mina running her mouth about Saki behind her back? Will 'Charmed' ever have a good episode? Not bloody likely…

Stay tuned for chapter eight, entitled "The Arrest". (I SWEAR TO GOD, THAT'S GONNA BE ITS NAME!)

Yay.


End file.
